Tonight is Matt and my 15th wedding anniversary.  Aidan is sleeping over with his friend Marcus (they may go skiing tomorrow), and Gillian is spending the night with my parents. Matt and I went to our favorite french Thai fusion restaurant, and then we were going to see a movie, but we decided to save the $30 and come home and get in bed – it’s freezing.  I gave him three choices of what he’d like to while cuddling and staying warm, and the first two were watch a movie or play Scrabble. We’re watching a movie right now, but we’re keeping our options open:)

I copied Matt’s blog post from today, and I wanted to share it with you.  I still can’t believe that, this man chose me. I hope to spend the rest of my life showing him how grateful I am.

Here’s his post:

I woke up this morning to put in my half day working from home (thanks Matt!) (yeah, i love working from home) looked out the window, and saw the snow coming down. Reminded me of a day 15 years ago today when it was snowing and there was this girl upstairs in her parents bedroom getting ready to marry me.

We had the ceremony done by a justice of the peace, written by us, in her parents house. About 50 people came, relatives, friends from NJ And TX and NY and just had a really nice day. Hectic until the minute everyone started walking down the stairs. Then it was like magic. From where I was standing in the living room, I Could see everyone in the main hallway watching her come down the stairs. Seeing her when she rounded the corner was like magic, like everything was right and all the planning, stress, and nervousness was all worth it and we would be one finally. We’d lived together for a year, but this was totally different.

The only thing I remember about the ceremony was her. I was so nervous, I almost wiped off the still drying nail polish from her fingernails. That and her dress came undone about halfway through and someone had to refasten it. It was just a collar button, so it wasn’t anything tragic. Everyone had a good chuckle.

Now it’s 15 year later, we’ve moved from Texas to NJ, We’ve had two wonderful children, and I’ve had about 3 or 4 jobs. It’s never been easy, and sometimes it’s been work. It’s always been full of love, friendship, and care. I pledged myself to this wonderful woman long ago in that livingroom across town and I would go back and do it in a second.

I love you my Fae, now and always. These are for you:

You turned life around
made me realize the man
I always could be.

You said yes to me
long ago. Say yes every
day till end of time.

Watching you come back
from numbness and hopeless
is seeing you born.

My partner my friend.
Stay with me now and always.
Put your hand in mine.

Happy 15th baby.
Yours now and always,
Matthew

Matt and the kids were in New York at his parents house for a few days, allowing me to decompress and have a mini-vacation, which I ate up. It’s amazing what a few days alone can do for a harried housewife:)

So I’m sitting around with a friend who’s a writer. She happens to be a bit obsessed with the Twilight series..ok, more than a bit. Perhaps passionately, deeply and compulsively would be a bit more succinct. Being a writer, she’s found a creative outlet for her obsession – she’s writing Fan Fiction (is that supposed to be capitalized?) I’ve been begging her for months to let me read her stuff, but she’s gotten red and shy and refused. Which only piqued my interest more. A bit like a terrier, I growled and tugged on the hem of her jeans until she acquiesced and let me read it. Not only was it well-written, it was *hot*. The kind of hot that’s only really good when it’s well-written enough for you to dive into the story.

I dove, and was thoroughly enjoying the read when my phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and saw “Matt – Cell”.  Excited to share the story, I answered the phone by yelling “I’M READING PORN!!”

I hear a tentative reply in a voice that sounds remarkably like my ten-year-old daughter….”You’re eating….corn?”

I screamed and dropped the phone, and then fell on the floor laughing so hard I couldn’t pick up the receiver. Every time I tried to pick it up, I heard her saying “hello?” I’d drop the phone and fall over laughing again. My friend, who had been sitting next to me, was now on the floor next to me trying to breathe. I’m not sure if it was shock, horror or hysteria. I finally caught my breath enough to say “Gillian?”

“Mommy, did you say you were eating corn? We fell over again. I think, for the first time, I actually hooted I was laughing so hard. Shockingly, she was still saying “Hello, Mommy,” when I got the phone back to my ear.

“Yes, honey, (snort) I’m eating corn…can I (choke) talk to Daddy for a minute?” I hear a rustling noise, and muttering, and then Matt’s voice. “Hi Fae, you EATING CORN?”

We were back on the floor in peals of laughter, phone receiver forgotten. Thank goodness Matt’s a quick study, a great father and my best friend…

I’m all by myself today. Physically, at any rate. Well, the dog is here with me, and the other pets are in the kids’ rooms, but other than that, I’m completely alone.

Leo and the kids are away visiting his family until tomorrow. They left Monday morning, and I promptly hightailed it down to Fae’s house. My mom took the pets, so I had no responsibility for two days other than myself and my chosen sister.

The amount of energy I absorbed just being with Fae was incredible. We did almost nothing but talk. It still amazes me that we have so much to say to one another after more than six years, but we do. We’re totally in sync. I told my therapist this morning that Fae’s brain is kind of like an external hard drive to my brain, and vice versa. (I think Matt will get the analogy, if no one else. I’m such a geek.)

I left her house last night at 10 and got home around 11. I got into bed around midnight and fell asleep relatively easily. My eyes popped open at 6:30, though, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. My chest was tight and my breaths were short and shallow. I managed to deep-breathe my way back to sleep after a little while, but when I woke up again at 8, I was anxious and groggy and unable to go back to sleep.

As I’m sitting here in bed at 2 in the afternoon, with no real plans for the day (I might go to a movie later, or I might just hang out online), I’m feeling anxious and afraid and maybe a touch guilty. Leo has the kids, and they’re fine (I’ve spoken to them all a few times a day since they left). Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something, or missing something?

My marriage is insecure. I feel unsafe overall. Maybe time alone makes it too easy to give in to the fear and worry. Fae was able to distract me and get me out of my head, even though we did talk a lot about my situation. Now that I’m alone, I feel the wheels spinning in my mind, causing all the anxiety gears in my body to engage.

I was really looking forward to this time without the kids. Now that I have it, I find myself full of worry and a bunch of other unpleasant emotions. What the hell is wrong with me?

Do I use my daily responsibilities as an excuse to push aside my deeper feelings and my stress? That seems paradoxical to me, since those responsibilities cause me stress. Maybe I’m using one type of stress to cover another, deeper, scarier kind of stress. Without all the daily pressures to distract me, my shadow side is making itself known.

I’ve read or heard different definitions of the “shadow side” or “shadow self,” most of which had to do with acknowledging one’s baser desires/instincts, or coming to terms with one’s weaknesses as well as strengths of character and ability. Some talked about dark deities and their relationships to us humans. Almost all discussed the importance of balancing the shadow self with the “light” self (for lack of a better term).

I don’t feel balanced. I feel like I could easily be consumed by the darkness working through me. So which path do I take now? Do I try to cope with the shadows by balancing (or subsuming) them with light? Or do I let the shadows overwhelm me for a time in hopes that they pass over me, leaving me stronger and no longer afraid of what they might bring?

I’m in probably the darkest period of my life.

I wish I could discuss all the reasons why, but because I’m in the broom closet, I have to be careful with the details I reveal. I feel stifled because of this, but it can’t be helped.

Family issues, money problems, serious illness, loss of a loved one, work pressure… you name it, it’s happened to me in the past few months. In fact, 2009 has generally sucked emu testicles.

It’s even harder because, for the life of me, I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel yet. I’m trying to maintain my faith that it’s there, but so far, I see no sign of it. I have moments of fear and despair, terrified that the light will never come. Those moments come more and more frequently as the months of darkness roll on.

How the hell am I surviving this? Am I just that strong? (Maybe, but I don’t feel that strong). I’m lucky that I have Fae, who is a rock for me. I’m sure of Leo’s love for me (even if I’m not sure in what way he loves me — can’t say more than that). I have good, loving kids, regardless of the difficulties they’re having/causing lately. I have a therapist I’m learning to trust. There’s a lot working for me. I’m trying to be a “glass-is-half-full” person.

I find myself pulling away from human contact, though. I am isolatory (Fae’s favorite word) and escapist. I indulge my obsessive side, letting myself sink into my head. It’s healthy in small doses, I suppose, but it’s rapidly approaching unhealthy.

The one thing that I think will save me is rediscovering my spirituality in the small things. Yesterday, I drove to Fae’s to spend the day, and as I walked up the path to her front door, I noticed how heartbreakingly blue the sky was, and how the whiteness of the clouds stood out from that sharp blue in soft relief. I found myself feeling grateful for that sky, for reminding me that there is a world outside my head, and that it contains beauty and goodness.

If I can hold on to that mindfulness, that sense of gratitude, I think I just might be okay.

Every Tuesday, Juniper and/or Fae will pick a great blog post from our  friends and write a paragraph about it. We’ll  include a link to their post in our paragraph. We’re going to invite you to do the same – find a post that you’ve found that moves you (and it doesn’t have to be from today, it can be an older post) and share it here. We’ll have a centralized list of of recommended posts here, and a button that can link us together. The group can grow and grow, we don’t have to limit the amount of recommended posts…but it would be a way for us to find incredible things to read, and remarkable people to meet, recommended by our peers, without having to surf for hours. The goal is all about sharing interesting posts, and interesting people. I doesn’t have to be limited to ANY topic, religion or ideology. We can’t wait to read what you find!

Here’s Fae’s pick this week:

Even though everyone and their mother is on vacation this week, I wanted to share something special I found, thanks to Janie at Mother Moon’s Message. Celia at The Secret Diary of a Mountain Witch wrote a wonderful article called Tis The Season To Be Jolly that I loved – being from “the other side of the pond”, there’s a rich sense of history and roots that I feel in her writing. The flavor of her traditions that she’s built are lovely, and I’d love to spend some time in her yard:) Anyway, this isn’t your average Yule post…I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here’s what you do…if you’d like to read the post,  click through to The Fairy Castle and read the article. If you’d like to leave comments for her, feel free!

If you have a friend whose post you want to share, here’s how you do it…(look at my post as an example if you have any questions…it’s easier than it looks:)

1. Write a paragraph or two about your friend’s post  in your blog, and make sure to include a link to the post you’re writing about so your friends can click through to it.

2. Name your post “Turn Around Tuesday – [and then the name of your friends' blog]“.  Look at the name of my post today for an example.

3. Copy and paste the code below at the bottom of your POST (in the HTML tab). This code will put a button on the bottom of your post so the readers can join Turnaround Tuesday if they wish.

4. After posting, come back here and fill out the Widget below the button with the following information:

Link Title: Name of your friends’ post (the post title, not the blog name).

Email Address: YOUR email address (it won’t show on the page, don’t worry).

Link URL:  Copy and paste YOUR Turn-Around Tuesday POST, not your main website.

5. Hit the ‘Submit Link’ button.

That’s it!