I was one of those people who downloaded songs from Napster with wild abandon. It wasn’t until Napster was shut down, and the artists began speaking up about ‘stealing music’ that it even occurred to me that I was doing anything wrong. Logically, it’s as clear as day. I think I was just swept away by the unprecedented access to bunches of music in digital form, that I had on records, sitting growing dust bunnies in the closet. To be able to listen to that stuff again made me really happy. And, for the most part, the stuff I downloaded I *had* paid for, just on records and tapes. To have to pay for it again, in retrospect, wouldn’t have made me happy if I’d thought of it, which of course I didn’t.

A few months ago, I didn’t know what a ‘torrent’ was. When it was introduced to me, I immediately searched for a song I’d been looking for on ITunes for years, and couldn’t find anywhere, because it hadn’t been released for download in the US. I found it. I was very excited. Then I started to think bigger, about how much music I still owned that I couldn’t play because it was on tapes or records. Then I started thinking about music that I wanted that I hadn’t bought yet. Then I realized that you could download movies with torrents free (the kind that shows up in unmarked wrappers).

My mind didn’t make these jumps by itself, they were shown to me by googling and visiting sites that allow you to download torrents (and the Trojans that are attached to them).

My mind became totally blown when I realized that I could download the entire Rosetta Stone system that my parents paid over $500 for, so that Aidan could learn Japanese. He’s also trying to decide whether to take Mandarin Chinese or Latin next year, and Gillian is studying Spanish. All these things are available for free online. Is it legal? Obviously not. Is it ethical? Nope. Would it be an incredibly helpful tool for my children that would enhance their studies in school? You bet. This has all led to many questions that I’ve been pondering over the last week or so.

Aside from the obvious ethical issues, how is this being done so readily and out-in-the-open if it’s illegal?

As far as the ethical issues are concerned, my friend Amy helped me a while back with wrapping my brain around stuff like this. If I can’t afford it, I should save up for it if it’s important enough for me. It’s all about choice. My rationalization to that is that we have no savings account (again, spending beyond our means in the past was a choice, even if it wasn’t done purposefully), and we’re struggling to make our bills every month (again, a choice, although my psychiatrist told me I had no business even thinking about work while unmedicated, which I was until last summer. I’ve started the process of taking over my father’s business – he’s slowly retiring – and our money situation should eventually begin to ease).

I really can’t find a way to rationalize doing something like downloading several thousand dollars worth of software without paying for it, while following the Wiccan Ethics Hierarchy by which I live. I certainly wouldn’t be able to explain to my children how this would be okay to do.

So why am I still tempted?

I’m frustrated, and need help…

I had been using Mozillla Thunderbird as my email client, and had all my RSS feeds set up so that they came right into my inbox. I was able to read all the posts from cool sites I’ve found (I often track my readers back to their own blogs), and I’ve enjoyed the give and take, and feeling of connection.

We’ve switched to Outlook, and Matt set it up so that the blogs’ names are showing, but the posts are not coming into my inbox. He’s tried several things, but I’m clueless when it comes to this stuff, and he can’t figure it out.  Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who concentrate on what’s right in front of my face, and I’m starting to lose touch by not visiting some really cool people with really cool sites on a daily basis.

I need these feeds dropping posts into Outlook! Anyone have any ideas?

I spent the day with my Dad today. He’s one of the top wholesale representatives on the east coast of the US, and is at the age where he’s moving toward retirement. He’s in a position to sell his territiories, or hand them down to me. I’d be a fool not to take them.

You’d think that the wholesale rag trade would have been antiquated by the electronic age, but it’s not true. One of Dad’s two lines is designer formalwear (although she has a sportswear line I’ll be carrying as well), which sells to specialty stores who want to see and feel the quality of the fabrics (lots of amazing silks and funky flair), and some that perhaps aren’t computer savvy or want a familiar face with which to do business. So there are still salespeople at trade shows, and going to boutiques and clothes stores taking orders. Because one of Dad’s two lines is a designer clothing and accessories line,  the price-point is high,  but sales won’t be deeply affected by the recession…the upper classes in our society won’t be hurting as badly as the rest of us. The other line is a quality “basics” clothing line, and there will be some crossover in the stores which will carry each line…some will carry both, and others won’t.

 I haven’t worked out of the house in 13 years, for the most part, and although I have extensive experience with wholesale and retail sales, I’m finding the idea of getting back into the work force a little scary. On one hand, it will be very good for my self-esteem, and could bring’ our family to the point where we were close to doubling our family income, which would be incredible. On the other hand, I’ve gotten very used to being cloistered at home, and living a fairly sedentary life. The anxiety disorder I deal with is now under control,  and I’m at a point where I can handle working consistently, so I know this is the next step, and I feel confident about it. I know I can learn the lines, and I know I can sell them. I have a lot of confidence in my ability.

I’ll be traveling with my Dad on day trips to start with, and my Mom will help by picking the kids up at the bus stop when I won’t be home on time. Eventually, I’ll expand my territory until I completely take over Dad’s territory. The process of switching over will be gradual and could take several years, which is fine with me. I won’t get overwhelmed taking small steps.

So I’m looking forward to a nice bump in my self-esteem, and getting another piece of ‘Fae’ back from the identity of ‘Mommy’ I’ve been drowning in for the past 13 years. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother, but I do admit that I’ve lost a lot of my individual identity, and I’m kind of excited about finding some of the pieces that got shoved aside.

I love meat. I love fish. I love poultry. I started out this life as a full-fledged carnivorous carbovore (that’s a Faeism, get used to them). My favorite meal in the whole wide world was a big medium-rare prime rib with a loaded potato. Life didn’t get any better than that.

But I hated vegetables.

Then I went to college, and took an anatomy and physiology class. While leafing through the book, I came across a picture of a particularly delicious looking prime rib, and wondered why it was in my textbook. It ends up that it was the cross-section of a human thigh.

It became much more difficult for me to eat prime rib, unless I squinted and hummed and concentrated on the taste. Unfortunately, once the connection was made, it was hard to unmake.

And then my Mom put some lobsters in a pot before the water was at a full boil. They screamed. I can eat lobster tail, or lobster meat, but if you put the whole thing on my plate, it’s over. 

I’m all grown up now (well, mostly), and I love guacamole and corn (carb-ridden veggies). I’ll eat good vegetables, but not nearly enough. I’ve had a gastric bypass, and need to keep my protein levels way high. I usually get them high enough for me to have a heavy dose of carbs, because that’s what I crave. Of course, when I crash on the carbs, I need to eat more protein to bring my glucose level back to normal, which isn’t helping my weight, but I digress.

My good friend Amy is a vegetarian. We sit together and eat all kinds of yummy cheese, and it’s only taken her a decade to make me like tofu. This process has been accelerated by the fact that another good friend with whom I shared EVERY meal off a menu with suddenly stopped eating meat, because it was making her sick. I went from fretting over getting Amy fed when she was in town to suddenly being exposed to a lot of new yummy food. My mind was being pried open, even against my own will.

I  have another close friend, Bena, who introduced me to quinoa on new year’s eve. I never even knew a grain could have protein in it. It was a mix of red and white, cooked in vegetable broth, and it rocked. It was served as a side dish, but I really liked it, and, as an aside, thought it would be great for my daughter, who is a carb junkie and suffers from Celiac Disease. She’s a carb junkie who can’t eat any wheat, rye, barley, or oats, which leaves a lot of candy bars. Getting protein in her is like getting veggies in me, as a child.

Until tonight, I couldn’t imagine a dinner without meat of some sort. A hamburger looks nothing like a cow. A fillet of fish looks nothing like a fish. A chicken breast looks nothing like a chicken, or a breast for that matter. The connection wasn’t there, but the foundation was. Still, cut the head and legs off my shrimp, and I’m there. Yummy.

So I wanted to make something with the quinoa, for me because of the protein, and for Gillian to try as a really healthy addition to a very limited diet. I wanted to see if they had quinoa at my local Wegmans (a great supermarket, so I Googled it, and this recipe came up…I’m posting the link as well as the recipe…

Quinoa Avocado Salad

SERVES 4   ACTIVE TIME: 30 min    TOTAL TIME: 30 min 

• Currently 5.0/5 Stars.

 1   cup Arrowhead Mills Organic Quinoa, prepared per pkg directions (I used bulk, 1 cup per 2 cups liquid) 
2   ears of corn, shucked and kernels removed (I used frozen, – removing kernels is beyond me)
1/4   cup JFC White Roasted Sesame Seeds
1/2   bunch Italian flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped (about 1 cup)
1   Tbsp Kadoya Pure Sesame Oil (International Foods)
Juice of 1 lime (1-2 Tbsp) (I threw in some lemon juice as well, the lime wasn’t juicy and it needed the acid)
Salt and pepper to taste (use sea salt!!! makes it more tasty and less salty)
1   ripe avocado, peeled, pitted, 1/2-inch dice

1. Blanch corn kernels in small pan of boiling water on MEDIUM-HIGH 2 min. Drain. Transfer to bowl of ice water. Drain well; set aside.  
    
2. Gentlyfluff quinoa with a fork. Transfer to large bowl; add sesame seeds, corn, parsley, sesame oil, and lime juice. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
    
3. Add avocado; toss gently and serve.

It was DELICIOUS! I left the table full of energy, and felt good. And I didn’t miss not putting grilled chicken or steak in it. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it would have tasted as good. Ok, well, maybe some crabmeat…

Please don’t tell me I’m heading toward vegetarianism, it makes me very anxious. For now, just keep it a secret, ok?

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a Pagan parent, and how that is affecting my own formal religious practice. Most of the spirituality I’ve built in my life is cognitive, and is enmeshed in my daily life. A very small group of us get together to celebrate the Sabbats formally with three of our collective children who are wanting to self-identify as Wiccan.

While this is an incredible opportunity to teach the kids about what Wicca is, what the Sabbats mean and how we choose to celebrate them, it becomes a challenge as an adult, wanting to do concentrated energy work with the other three adults who hold the quarters in our live coven.

Now, I’ve written about this before, and the fact that three of the four of us in our live coven are the parents of the three kids who want to be involved doesn’t help things – I think, as parents, we’re willing to forsake our own needs for those of the kids. The fourth of us doesn’t have children, and I’ve got to say that if I were her, I’d find our Sabbat circles to be a bit frustrating. Yes, it’s great to watch the children grow and get involved, ask questions and find themselves as individuals, but building and sustaining energy to use for our work is next to impossible. And that’s frustrating for me, and I’m the parent of two of the kids.

I’d love to have two separate circles, and we’ve talked about doing this before, one for the kids (with the adults), and one for the adults for accomplish serious work. It’s a fantastic idea in theory. But with nine people in the house, and wanting to cook and eat, as well as socialize with the two people who don’t share in the ritual, it’s hard. And getting the four adults together alone and unhindered to raise a circle is near impossible – between kids, work, school, and life, we don’t see each other often enough anyway, and there are years that go by when we’ve hardly seen each other when NOT celebrating a Sabbat. 

So, how to fill everyone’s needs, and have us all leave the day feeling satisfied socially and spiritually? If there’s a way, I sure haven’t found it yet.

The idea of buying several acres somewhere pretty and building  individual family homes and community space is such a lovely dream…