I’m taking Aidan over to his therapist today (he has a standing appointment every Thursday). He had a dream a few days ago that I need to discuss with his doctor before he goes in for his meeting.

He came into our room at about 5:30 in the morning complaining that he’d had a nightmare. When I asked him to tell me about it, he said that he and Gillian and I were driving down a road in the dark. The road was called Insanity…The “IN” had been crossed out. He said that I was pulled out of the car and disappeared. Then hands came in and tried to pull Gillian away, and he was trying to hold onto her, so they wouldn’t get her as well. Then he woke up.

I asked him if he thought the dream was about him, or about me. He said he didn’t know. I promised him that I wasn’t insane, and neither was he, and that insanity was NOT going to take me away from him, nor him from me.

Although we’ve talked to him about anxiety and depression, I’m sure that he’s drawn his own conclusions. I know how intensely and personally and deeply he takes everything, and the way he takes everything around him in.  His self-esteem is based largely on me (so his therapist says) and my being unstable must be rocking his world.

There’s no question that these past few intense months have been very difficult on him. Between his therapist and Matt and I. I’m hoping to undo the damage that’s being done to him. Interestingly enough, on the dose of Clonipin I’m taking, I’m not feeling intense and anxiety and guilt about all this, just a rational readiness and desire to help. That’s new and different, and I’m sure it will serve me well in helping Aidan to recover from his trauma.

With all of Fae’s recent kitty pictures, I wanted to make sure dogs didn’t get a bum rap on our blog.


see more dog pictures

That one was just for the cuteness factor. The ones below are more apropos of my life right now.


see more dog pictures

see more dog pictures

So I ask ya, I can haz (vegetarian) hot dog now?

Looking at the last few days of blogging, you might sense a theme:) I’m getting medicated for way-out-of-control anxiety depression, and I’m working with a Psychiatrist who’s calling me every day to check on my progress and tweaking dosages (does that happen any more? The idea of a doctor actually checking up on a patient DAILY sounds like something from the 1950’s)

We seem to have the anxiety under control, illustrated by me making three completely different dinners for 4 people at the same time, which would usually put me into a tailspin. No problem, very methodical, no anxiety. Yay! I didn’t even yell at the kids today. I hope they get used to that:)

The half of a Senoquil (50 mg) along with 30 mg of Temazepam put me out for the night. I think that was the best night of sleep I’ve had in some time, with no  Parkinsons-like symptoms in the morning. Not having full control over my limbs was temporary, but damn disconcerting.

On the downside, I’m feeling a bit low. We’re starting Welbutrin on Saturday, and I’m hoping that will even me out. All in all, things are getting better, and I hope to be back to my usual deep, thoughtful, growing changing and evolving self…just a little less tortured a soul:)

As soon as I get all these meds right, I’ll be back to promoting religious tolerance, freedom of speech, parenting, and everything else I go on and on about. Hopefully, that will be soon, because I’m getting bored of writing about the excitement (or lack thereof) of fiddling with medication.

Have I mentioned that weight gain is a common side effect of all these drugs? I’ve been eating like a pig all day…

In the ongoing saga of getting my meds right (to get caught up, read the last week of posts), the Psychiatrist wanted to take me off of Benzodiazepines at night, because I’m building up a resistance. She’s giving me Clonipin during the day, which is also a Benzodiazepine, so she wants to change me over to something different to knock me out in the evening.

Last night I took 100 mg of Seroquel, which f*cked me up royally. Usually, Seroquel is used to treat the depressive episodes and the acute manic episodes in bipolar disorder and to treat schizophrenia. I don’t have any of that, but used in higher doses it can aid with sleep disorders. Have you ever read the book about the soldier who came home from the war with no arms, no legs, and the only way he could communicate was by rapping his head against the table? That’s pretty much what this drug did to me. Aside from occasional pangs in my extremities, I could hardly move or talk, but the inside of my head was wide awake, and I could hear everything going on around me. I ended up taking 30 mg of Temazepam on top of that (a benzodiazepine), which knocked me out on the inside.

Tonight we’re doing 50 mg of Seroquel (half of what I took last night, after taking 30 mg of Temazepam. We’ll see what happens.

On the bright side, taking Clonipin during the day is completely taking away the anxiety, but leaving me foggy and sleepy. It’s better than it was, and I’m going to keep on the .5 mg of Clonipin. Half a pill didn’t work, and neither did 3/4. I think my body will get used to the .5 after a few more days, and if not, I’m seeing her again on Saturday and we’ll go from there. I think we’ll be adding Welbutrin at that point, as we’ll have the anxiety and sleep issues under control (hopefully) and can move forward with an anti-depressant.

Still worried about the numbness – I’ve fought so hard to get my feeling back – but I’m staying hopeful. I need to be able to function without the anxiety and depression hobbling me. I understand that getting the meds right is going to take some time, and this doctor really seems to know what she’d doing. She’s been calling me every day to check on how things are working, and making changes as needed.

This is how I’m looking after taking all these drugs at night…

My mind keeps floating back to something the psychiatrist said about my past drug use:

The brain can’t tell the difference between Benzodiazepines and alcohol.

This explains the self-medicating with Alcohol before I got sober at 21…my brain chemistry knew what it needed and what it was missing, and found a way to fill the need. The compulsive, obsessive use of the drug was my body’s chemistry trying to right itself. I’m sure there will be connections like this between cocaine and the Welbutrin I’m about to be put on as well.

I’m so glad that I’m under a doctor’s care, getting my brain chemistry right without getting high, and without the aspect of escape and running. As long as I can tweak the medications with the doctors supervision in order to keep the side effects as low as possible, I think I’ll be in good shape. Then I will go back to the cognitive therapist and continue working there to stop the aspect of escape and running. Damn, sounds like I’ve got a plan!!!

My intellect is working just fine, by the way, but my body is a pool of squiggly gelatin. I’ve gone from being anxious and depressed to unmotivated and sleepy. The good thing is that my brain is quiet in a way it NEVER is – I feel like I’ve had a nice little temporary lobotomy. Amy said I should treat it like a little vacation, I’ve got plenty of time to get back to the self-flagellation when the dosages get to where they’re supposed to be:)

In the meantime, another cute kitty pics, in the spirit of my newfound ditziness: